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The Emir's new clothes By Reuven Koret February 26, 2002 Once upon a time, in a quiet corner of the global village, there lived a Jewish tailor named Tom. Though he had a day-job as a journalist, his secret love and closet-addiction was high fashion. He was affiliated with the Council on Fashion Recommendations, which paid such fellows liberally to follow its design lines in covering the backsides of the rich and powerful. Every few days, as was his habit, Tom would personally address a different world leader, dispensing fashion advice. One day, he came up with a brilliant idea. He would tailor a new line of ready-to-wear garments to be sold throughout the entire Middle East. The little Jewish tailor would teach the Arab leaders how to be sheik! He nearly burst his buttons in joy. Tom believed that he could, with a single thread, solve the fashion problems of the Middle East. No more clashes! He would introduce an outfit so outrageous in its simplicity, so fine in its outline, that it would dazzle all who beheld it. He would weave a fabric so irresistible that the customer would not only want to buy it. He would wish to die in it. Tom's new fashion line went like this: the whole Arab world would make peace with Israel if Israel withdrew to the pre-1967 borders that Abba Eban once called "Auschwitz lines." Never mind the impracticality and immorality of expelling 200,000 Israelis who lived across those lines. Never mind the complexities of dividing Jerusalem. Never mind the Palestinian demand to flood Israel with refugees. Never mind that Israel was unable defending itself in its current borders. Never mind the unceasing bombing and shootings, the incitement and propaganda, the missiles, mortars, and unconventional threats. Just never mind. Just do it. And lo and behold: within days of publicly issuing his fashion tips, Tom was invited to be the honored guest in the House of Saud, home to the world's largest modern collection of amateur 767 pilots, anti-Semites, women-haters, and slave-traders. They talked over tea. For Tom, this was an achievement most rare, since Jewish tailors were rarely allowed to enter the Kingdom, let alone set foot in the House of Saud. But he was a welcome exception, for he suited the Emir's needs. When Tom explained his marvelous idea of a new wardrobe for the Middle East, the Emir expressed mock astonishment. "Have you been looking in my drawers, Tom?" Of course, it is the role of a tailor like Tom to arrange a great man's drawers, to see what's inside them, and to fill them with fine fabrics. But here the garment was not intended for the Emir: it was intended to make his greatest enemy disappear. You see, the House of Saud was going through tough times. Few were any longer buying its line that it was a friend to the Western Allies, or that it was a constructive force for stability in the Middle East. Consumer groups were seeing that it was clothing terrorist and terror-supporting regimes. It was true that King Fahd had peddled a similar line two decades ago, with no takers. But fueled by petro-dollars, The House needed a slick makeover, a new branding. And who better to provide it than the obliging Tom? The new fashion line was not for the Emir to buy, but for him and his royal colleagues to sell! The new suit, just as Tom the Tailor envisioned it, was designed to envelop a difficult and distant customer: Ariel Sharon. Not an easy gentleman to fit! Of course, the tailor assured the Emir, if it didn't fit the customer, they would not need to replace the clothes. They would replace the customer. The Council had experience managing this sort of thing. As Tom himself confided in his initial trial balloon of his new line, modestly assuming the voice of the President of the United States that : "Some of you have asked me privately: If we do this, can you guarantee Israel will respond positively? No, I can't guarantee it, but every ounce of history tells me Israel's silent majority will insist that its leader respond positively to you, and if he doesn't, Israelis will vote him out, and I will back them." But there was no reason to worry. The customer and his entourage seemed duly impressed by what they saw, or rather, by what they did not see. For the outfit that was promoted in such glowing terms had yet to be presented publicly. Perhaps it could be seen next month, if the customer was lucky and if he behaved. Meanwhile, its elegance could only be imagined, and those who could not see its beauty, including Israel's "silent majority," were fools not to be suffered. All of the Council's former and present clients rallied round to promote their latest initiative. The customer's colleagues were effusive in their praise. An impressive piece of work, some declared, a fabric of daring design from the finest of fashion houses, others exclaimed. Interesting, no, fascinating, gushed the man who, some say, commissioned the suit in the first place. After all, it bore the royal imprimatur of none other than the House of Saud! The customer initially reacted cautiously. "It seems… interesting," he said. "It will need adjustments, of course. I certainly can't accept it off the racks, 'as is.' But it is, well, a Saudi original - very impressive." His colleagues began booking flights to Riyadh so that they too could be fitted in the dressing rooms of the House of Saud -- after, of course, changing their faith. Jewish tailors may be allowed in the House, but not Israeli leaders! Indeed, Saudi officials politely insisted that Israelis would be welcome in their country only after they had bought their outfit off the rack at retail prices. No trying it on! No visits to the changing room! As time passed, the customer grew to appreciate his new suit, though it troubled him a bit that he had yet to see it. But he trusted it would be seen, and admired, by discerning folk. He had never been popular in fashionable circles. Wearing his designer duds, he would be kewl! Somewhere in the global village, a tailor is chuckling, congratulating himself on his marvelous weave, reveling in paeans of praise from the Council and the rich and powerful. Laughing, too, is the Emir who, thanks to the tailors' ingenious design, managed to make the whole fashion world forget his family's wildly extravagant bin Laden collection: "Sharon can do what he likes: for today might be his day. Yet tomorrow, God willing, is ours. Every single drop of Arab blood that has been spilled on our usurped Arab territories will be duly wrested from those who dared to shed it. The womb of every Arab woman carries retribution and every fallen martyr has left behind a loud roar, vibrating in the chest of every child who is looking towards martyrdom." That is the Emir's official Statement on Palestine, issued by His Royal Highness, Heir to the House of Saud, the Crown Prince Abdullah, speaking in Syria nine months ago. Despite the invisible threads, this remains the Emir's "new" fashion statement: the familiar Pan-Arab plan of stages, the phased step-by-step destruction of Israel, and its displacement by the State of Palestine, starting with a globally-imposed forced march to the 1967 borders. When Sharon realizes that this is the design, that he and his nation are to be stripped naked in front of the whole world, well, it won't be pretty. But by then it will be too late to change. All sales are final. Views expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of israelinsider.
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